I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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