dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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