either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
