one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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