I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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