You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
