she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
