i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
