The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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