if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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