I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
