if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
