He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
