So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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