Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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