So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
