if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
