Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
