is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
