I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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