I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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