i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
