My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
