I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Randomize
