How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I will die if light touches me.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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