Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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