i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
