In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
