Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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