just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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