As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
