Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
