Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
