My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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