I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
