Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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