She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
