The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
