My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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