tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
