For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
