Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize