Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
