You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
There r osticjed everywhere
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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