Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
