So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
