oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I showed him my bush... on skype.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
