i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
