i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
