I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
