FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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