Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
