: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
