Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
