Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
